I’ve forgotten how to be a child. Have you felt that way when you play with your kids?

This is more of a personal diary for me; so I’m mentioning some commitments I’m looking forward to this month. I’ll be traveling for a while and I’ll have my usual assignments and work since I carry my work with me. But I will have to do these things if I’m to become a better parent.

-Reading a good book.

-Reading at least one good poem every week.

-Praying more.

-Looking inward.

-Ignoring all that I don’t like and not taking to heart things I don’t want to hear.

-Telling my babies more stories more patiently. Their vocabulary has grown suddenly. Love the way they say ‘pineapple’:)

I hope I can work on these….

It’s my kids’ lunar birthday today and I wanted to make it something special. But all I did was complain and sneeze all morning. Finally I took action- visited the doc and she said that I needed to do destress.

I think I get worked up about a lot of silly things. So I’ll list them:

1. Situations I don’t like(because of ridiculous ego problems that I can never solve)

2. Not being where I think I should be

3. Not being able to go out much

4. Baby tantrums(I get palpitations when I see the kids go red and tiny-fisted angry)

I’m identifying my problems here, not complaining. Once you figure out what’s stressing you out, you might be able to change things.

I had a bad day. Allergy.

Sometimes being a mom can be almost like being in prison if you want to look at the dark side. I chose to stay at home and look after the kids. I hardly ever go out and am so dependent on my car and driver.

So the kids and I play ‘imagine’ games. That’s when the bright side comes out. Children can’t be trapped by anything that bores us. My teacher is right. I’m learning from my babies everyday…children can be your biggest teachers.

Watched a fantastic musical talent show today and can’t sleep thinking of the kind of talent young people have these days. Will my children have this kind of talent, will they be go-getters or the reserved struggling sorts?

I keep thinking of what they will end up like.

Today I had a troublesome conversation with Maddy. She’s very dear to me and I’ve been doing things for her since she was little. We were very close. But now she’s all grown up, with a mind of her own and what I say really doesn’t make an impact the way it used to.

Since I’m a mom this troubles me. Will I feel upset when my kids grow up and move out and speak their own mind? I have to respect those changes but inside I can feel a squeeze of hurt. Maddy thinks I’ve changed but I really haven’t.

Maybe I can’t accept the fact that she has her own friends and possibilities that I will never have. I used to hold her hand and play ‘imagine’ games with her.

I was in control the way I am with my boys now. But that will never last and the hurt will come back again.

Sorry Maddy… I guess I’ll let go then.

They were a bit sick the past couple of days and so I put them on homeopathic drugs. The drugs seem to be helping; the kids are more restful. I’ve had some too-is helping my heavy head.

When Abi went to see the homeo doctor he ran all around the clinic, switched off the computer system there and played with the sphygmomanometer.

The kids are speaking a lot more. Abi says a lot of funny things in his own language. Ani speaks words with more clarity.

I’m more relaxed these days and spend more time reading about Curly the Pig and farm animals to my kids. They don’t really understand what a pig is as they don’t see anything close to animal here- except maybe cockroaches, an occasional cow, maybe a dog…. The only things they can relate to are cars and bikes and autorikshas.

They like it when I play teddy and sing ABC…they even say it Ay..Be..Say…

Ani is lying on me as I type and Abi is on the black sofa with its baby urine smell.

Today I thought I’d destress by looking at my kids through the camera lens. When you go behind the camera you look at kids in a different light. I kept clicking photo after photo. Maybe I’ll post a few here.

But I’m wary of publishing photoes since I’m a paranoid mom.

I took photos of them putting their heads  out the kitchen window(the kitchen window looks out into the living room). They were squeezing through the window and instead of going crazy seeing them get into trouble, I was excited to get them photographed.

So moms, taking pictures destresses.

Has it helped you?

What am I doing typing here….threatening them that the dog next door will come here and bark! I hate to scare kids but when your kid hops from the sofa to the table, you tend to rethink the meaning of the word patience.

According to wikipedia, patience is the ability to endure waiting, delay, or provocation without becoming annoyed or upset, or to persevere calmly when faced with difficulties.

The opposite of patience is impatience and that’s an easy emotion to come by when you have twin boys. I try not to be paranoid. No my kids won’t fall and hurt themselves. No they won’t poke themselves with the fork they are exchanging.

Read this if you want to be a patient parent.

So what do I achieve? An odd fudge.

Which is why yesterday was a revelation. I got talking with a meditation expert and she told me that moms don’t have to be guilty.”You deserve your own space.”, she said.

I haven’t been able to go out on my own for over two years now since my twins are terribly naughty. I don’t have a nanny since my first experience with one was pretty horrendous. So I manage the babies with my mom(I’m lucky she comes here often).

Abi and Ani are notorious climbers. They climb through the kitchen window and onto the television stand. They say ‘no’ to everything. They fight with each other nearly all the time except when they are in a good mood.

There are times when I’m so patient that I feel like God. There are other times when I lose my cool for no reason at all.

Now they are asleep. Which is why I’m typing all this in the first place.

Self-publishing is addictive.

In this blog, I’m telling you about my kids and about parenting and about how to be a mom who is not guilty all the time.

I have a good feeling about this blog….